What Is This Blog??

It’s been a year and half-ago that I started writing on this blog. I wanted to document the process that Jeff and I had started. I knew that it was worth documenting; that it was going to be a huge shift in our life. I knew that other people (millions of people writing their own blogs and travel blogs. Really hurts my feelings. I like to think I’m extraordinarily unique.) had written travel blogs or whatever blogs. But I thought a lot about what I wanted this blog to be.

In fact, this was what this whole, new way of life was going to be dedicated to: what is the exact life I want to be leading? What if I stayed committed to my most authentic (bleh, the meaning has been taken out of that word) life. Meaning, what if I followed the path of my heart and soul with no compromises? No exceptions to this rule? That’s what I wanted so deeply when I started this blog. And I wanted my writing to be a reflection of that. No compromises. No trying to entertain just for the purpose of entertaining, or trying to be funny in the same way. The core message always had to be there: Is this the most honest reflection of what I’m going through at this time? This, of course, could end up being funny or interesting or entertaining but just as long as the priorities weren’t reversed.

What this meant was that it (the blog, the writing) wouldn’t follow a course that always made sense to people. Hello! My life! But if people are actually allowed to be real, authentic, honest this is what we will do. We will meander. We don’t always want to write about the new place we’re at on the map. I’m going to write about my braces, and then my inner children and then Big Sur and then my dead cat.

But there has been plenty of discussion along the way. Jeff eventually came in to the picture. And his question was something like this: Should we change it to include more people? This came up because family wanted to know where we are and people are used to a topical travel blog. Again, sadly to me, this was not a unique thing. Even people my parents age are like, “Oh you should write a blog about it!”  Me: ‘Shut up! Let me be really unique and extraordinary!!’ And to that question or suggestion, some people we would tell and some we wouldn’t, that we did in fact have a blog but we would have to serve it up with a warning. “Well, we do have a blog, but its not for every one” or “Well its not typical, its kind of serious”. Because most people seem to want to get the topical, fun story. “Dude, whoa. Why do you have to be such a bummer. What’s there to be sad about? You’re living the dream!” And no, no one has said this to me, but you get the idea.

It has been uncomfortable to show who we really are. There is pressure to present a story that is pleasing to the eye. To avoid taking anyone anywhere “too deep/too serious”.  So Jeff and I had this discussion many times. And we would usually land on these foundational ideas:

  1. I’m the one who had built this blog and it eats ALOT of time. I was not willing to create a whole other blog. Especially for the purpose of making people more comfortable or just purely entertainment with nothing “threatening”. (I’m pretty sure those of you that know me would laugh at me ever being involved in something like that)
  2. The people that aren’t into something that is more real or intense just won’t read it. No harm done.
  3. We didn’t want to have more the one Self. One for family and one for friends, for example.
  4. We both felt that we were on a mission, in this life, to be, above all, true to ourselves.

I tell ya, there seems to be a picture out there of what “true to yourself” means. Like it’s some luxury or some fairy tale. Or its read and the thought is ‘oh yeah, true to yourself. Of course, Emily, you have to be true to yourself’. The image is a pretty picture. Something that’s a given, something that’s easy. All people will step aside so you can “be true to yourself”. That is until I say something that is disagreed with or “hurts” someone or disappoints someone. Being true to myself means that people can turn their back on me, or walk away from me. It means I can lose opportunities. It opens the door to all kinds of judgment. A few: she’s CRAZY, she’s weird, she’s a bitch, she’s mean, she’s doesn’t care about family, she’s trying to control him, she’s SELFISH, she only cares about herself, she’s creating something out of nothing.

So why do this? I do this because this is what I decided to commit my life to with no exceptions. Almost like, well exactly like, a social, emotional, spiritual experiment. I want to see if my life can look like it does in the books I read. From the people I admire; can I make my life look something like the extraordinary lives that they led/lead? If I take the extraordinary risks that they took can I have that too? That’s what this journey is about for me. I want to take it ALL THE WAY. This includes my faith in the Divine. I’ve been around religious people all my life and I saw that for many, the true master was Money. I think the true master for most of us is money. I am not immune to this but I am willing to take the steps to work against this enslavement (too strong? I think probably not.) Our worship of money is almost always the reason people don’t move towards their dreams. Or that they compromise, “Gotta make a living”. The book I’m reading now, The Soul of Money,  addresses this “making a living” concept. She (the author, Lynne Twist) says it is more accurately called “making a dying” or “making a killing” because we are so accustomed to sacrificing a small part or a large part of our soul to “making a living”.  I have wondered since I was very little, ‘Is there another way to do this? Because in my little, innocent body, this does not sit well’. We laugh at the “naivete'” of children, “Oh just wait to til they get a glimpse of the “real world”. Then they’ll understand that that’s just “the way it is”. Ha, ha, ha! We are so much more clever than children!”

What is so cool about this time in our human history is that many others are asking this question. I, we/me and Jeff, aren’t alone in this search and that helps to keep us inspired and afloat. There are others. And I am so grateful to have those others in my inner circle. These are people also committed to the brave and sometimes lonely path. Thank God for You!

So far in the experiment it seems I have absolutely been supported emotionally, spiritually, financially, and mentally to move forward. This has not been easy. Yogananda describes this part of the journey like this:

“The hard core of human egotism is hardly to be dislodged except rudely. With its departure, the Divine finds at last an unobstructed channel. In vain It seeks to percolate through flinty hearts of selfishness.

And I’ll paraphrase his other words: It was like having every diseased tooth removed from my metaphorical jaw. In other words: this path is not for sissies.

If you have your own stories of what it’s really like to embrace a life of “to thine own self be true”, please share them with me. Either down below in the comments or in some other way. I really will celebrate it with you. Or you can just know that, silently, I am with you; I’ll cheer for you.

Much love from me to you.

Keeping the Faith

The same day that Kitty passed on, Jeff and I simultaneously and separately thought, ‘Oh. We don’t need the trailer anymore’. In large part we bought it for her. We had the notion to jump around place to place for caretaking, housesitting, and petsitting gigs. But to find a place that accepted cats? Highly unlikely in my mind. I look at it now and see that we likely weren’t ready for that kind of leap, or that kind of freedom. So it all fit perfectly. Continue reading “Keeping the Faith”

“Soar in Peace, Emerald”

March 9, 2001 a little kitten came into this world. She was wild, not quite feral, but almost. It appears that she had kitten-hood trauma from dogs, nothing violent, but unpleasant for her. Her first caretaker was Indy Roberts in Gunnison, CO. They were together for 5 years. Then she came to me. I don’t know what made me say yes, but I knew it was a yes. I had met Emerald and I really liked. And Indy had called to ask if I would take her. Emerald was very unhappy living with dogs, of which there were at least one at all times she’d been with Indy. Emerald would just army-crawl from room to room; slinking in and out. She would rip the shit out of a toilet paper roll, she would start crying early in the morning. Indy thought she could be happier, somewhere else, and with me. Continue reading ““Soar in Peace, Emerald””

Discipline & Routines

I’m beginning to think that our trailer is not just a trailer. And more of a rolling trauma treatment center. Where people go to leave what’s seen as the “regular” world behind and focus on what matters most. The two current inhabitants of this treatment center happen to be me and Jeff. What matters most for us, or for me I’ll just speak for myself going forward, is healing and focusing on our true purpose. I don’t know exactly what my true purpose is but I know what it is and isn’t, in a way. Or I could say, I know when I’m on the path and when I’ve veered off. I’ve been on this path, well probably my whole life. I think that’s our soul’s purpose and we all have varying degrees of success finding it in our time on earth. But I can mark it as intentionally starting when I was 27 and started Al-Anon.  When I started my recovery, as they call it. Which is a word I still use because I like it and it fits. Continue reading “Discipline & Routines”

The Path of Direct Revelation

I’ve gone round and round with myself to write this piece since I was in Orange County, let’s see…2 months ago. I had just had a session with Suzanne (a healer I work with) and one of my big takeaways from it was: I’ve got to be my own psychic. Now, by psychic I mean many things: healer, answer-giver, medium, touchstone. I will likely never be a person that doesn’t seek out discussion or learning; that’s not my problem. But valuing my own findings above all others is where I still have work to do. But I have come a loooooong way. And it’s funny to write that. Because I think I’m seen as an arrogant person and people would say, “Emily, you seem to care about your own opinion above all others. And are all to eager to tell everyone what that is.” Whether or not I’m still seen that way, I swing between confidence in my intuition and finding someone that can tell me about me. Or the world or whatever.  So of course with Suzanne this was going to happen to some degree. I was fascinated with the tools she had that I didn’t and the information she had that I didn’t. But I can still shift into investing too much into the truth of others (Right Heather??). Again, come along way but the propensity is still there. So however long ago this session was, like 2-2 ½ months ago, it hit me harder than it ever has: I’m ready to be my own psychic. I’m ready to value what I can channel, find, pray for, invision as much as I do from others. And I was ready to do what it took to achieve that.

Continue reading “The Path of Direct Revelation”

Sharing Secrets

What is it with me that I remember something so shameful and painful and then want to write about it? I just recently had a triggering event. That sounds so dumb, but I really talk like that. I think of one of my younger, previous clients. She would probably want to roll her eyes at me and I’d want to tell her: ‘I really talk and think like this!’ Triggering event: I call it getting zinged. Or you could say getting walloped. And then you spiral down inside yourself and want to disappear. It always hits on these primary wounds, the things that follow us around and we seem to overreact to all our lives. I have several. This last one was a combination of money = value (I don’t have enough, so I’m worth less) and … you know what? That pretty much covers it. All the other reactions came from some version of that this time. Continue reading “Sharing Secrets”

What I Love About California (So far)

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Not the best welcome sign, but we had arrived!
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Zebra-tailed lizard in Joshua Tree.
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Same guy, we were friends. He would come out to say hello each day.

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A tree I liked, not many in the desert.
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Our first spot in Orange County, Oneill Regional Park.

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Marine layer was present every morning of the first week. Because we’re near the ocean, hooray!
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I’m telling you, she sleeps in weird places. That’s her head propped on that strap.

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Mecca. Mother’s Market.
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Dude. First off its Virgil’s Zero. No sugar, no sugar alcohol. THEN. It is Dr Pepper flavor, get the F outta town. These are the things that light up my life.
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It may be hard to understand but when I’m in a grocery store that has prepared “raw” food, I just feel like I’m with my people.
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A deli case full of food we can eat! Marvelous. There tapioca will make you want to hurt yourself.
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No caption needed.
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Muffins I can eat! No eggs, no gluten! Fruit sweetened! It’s like they made it for me.
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Again, when someone had gone to the effort to create corn chowder from cashews…I used to make this stuff! Again, these are my people. We are all wanting to eat the same thing somehow.
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She really does.
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Something I love about CA, this is just some normal office building with impeccable landscaping.
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Again, the landscaping. Its just what my eyes wants to look at. Its the things I want to see when I look around.
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Jasmine is everywhere, its like the scent of Orange County.
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THE OCEAN. And I finally got to wear my rad wetsuit. Jeff got it for me in Kauai.
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Our second spot in Orange County. Santiago Canyon.
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Our friend, Suzanne, keeps her horses there. It’s a little oasis.

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I love this tree. Again, its so appealing to my eyes.

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Cowgirl, Suzanne’s mare. We love her. And miss her now. Both the horse and the woman.
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This guy is selling frozen yogurt from nuts, fruits, veggies, and dates. These are the things I want to be eating! And they are just in a store in CA!
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Hummingbirds!!!!
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Love, love, love.
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They were my friends.

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This guy. He was in Orange and Ojai. I’m his Fairy Godmother. Finn Monroe.
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Hot Springs!