I’ve gone round and round with myself to write this piece since I was in Orange County, let’s see…2 months ago. I had just had a session with Suzanne (a healer I work with) and one of my big takeaways from it was: I’ve got to be my own psychic. Now, by psychic I mean many things: healer, answer-giver, medium, touchstone. I will likely never be a person that doesn’t seek out discussion or learning; that’s not my problem. But valuing my own findings above all others is where I still have work to do. But I have come a loooooong way. And it’s funny to write that. Because I think I’m seen as an arrogant person and people would say, “Emily, you seem to care about your own opinion above all others. And are all to eager to tell everyone what that is.” Whether or not I’m still seen that way, I swing between confidence in my intuition and finding someone that can tell me about me. Or the world or whatever. So of course with Suzanne this was going to happen to some degree. I was fascinated with the tools she had that I didn’t and the information she had that I didn’t. But I can still shift into investing too much into the truth of others (Right Heather??). Again, come along way but the propensity is still there. So however long ago this session was, like 2-2 ½ months ago, it hit me harder than it ever has: I’m ready to be my own psychic. I’m ready to value what I can channel, find, pray for, invision as much as I do from others. And I was ready to do what it took to achieve that.
Suzanne had off-handedly responded to a question: “How do I find my own spirit guides?” I I asked because I’ve been on this quest a long time. I’ve been valuing my own findings, my own experiences more and more each day I’m on earth. I knew that I needed my own hook-up. I needed my own Bat-phone to the Universe. But that shit is hard! Its hard to hear things for your own self! I’d been channeling things and reading energies for others my whole! But listening for the answers to my own questions about myself are hard. I have to wade through so much of my own mind to hear the pure stuff. Of the highest level. And then since its just me and me. Its like, who do I check with? Myself? Yeah. And maybe some others that I trust. (I just realized I’m going back and forth between first and third person, deal with it) So it’s easy to avoid. I relate tedious tiny movements like this to the very, very short period of time I played golf. The tediousness of the micropscopic movements at that time made me want to throw my club. Or better yet, beat it into the ground and make huuuuge divets. When I practice asking my own higher being and the higher beings around me for answers, I want to beat the club into the ground. Anyway, back to the original story. Suzanne’s response was, “Oh, just read Shamanic Journeying: A Beginner’s Guide”. I blazed through that book. And I really liked the author, Sandra Ingerman. She reminded me of Pia Mellody when she trained me. She showed me what it was like to be trusted and respected for the person I was. No lip service. Pia wasn’t bought into this idea of guru and I saw it in her actions and in how I felt when I was around her. I felt empowered to try things and use my intuition. Sandra was the same way. And since this was just with myself there was even less consideration or maybe no, for any harm being done. And I know that there’s people out there that might say, “Oh, well you can hurt yourself, there’s energies there that you don’t know about that could…..blah blah blah”. And to that I say, “uuuuuuuuggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh. I don’t want to learn anything from you then.” And anyone that knows me know that I don’t want to be reckless. Its not about disrespecting the rules or arrogance of being above things. I think its something that we get wrong. I think most trainings I’ve been to treat me like I have no compass and that these ideas all exist in the collective consciousness (and believe me, I’ve gone to very progressive, forward-thinking, trusting-the-process, the client can heal themselves type trainings. They still undermined my confidence). That I can be introduced to a golden healing process or technique and go, “Oooooh, brilliant, cool. I’ve got it. Let’s get to work.” Them: “No, Emily, you need to spend $8000 more and another two years before you can safely do this work”. Me: “Safely???!!! How much fucking power do you think I have? Do you really think I have the power to fucking break people? Why not teach me how to fuck up? Because I’m definitely going to do that. But you with your ‘don’t hurt them’ talk just undermines my confidence and undermines the clients confidence and their own ability to heal and protect themselves.” (Anybody think I’m a little bit raw aaobut this? Yeah. I had no idea I’d be writing about this either.) And here’s the thing: we, the healing field, give lip service to autonomy for the client and I don’t want them dependent on me its unethical. Its bullshit. And I’m one of the bullshiters. I think we end up bullshitting because of the completely unrealistic expectations that we have created for ourselves as a community. I mean, most therapists can’t go on vacation without a back-up therapist to take an emergency call from a client. Uh, dependent-much (that goes to both sides)? Where did we go wrong? I know it’s a much deeper answer than what I will write about here but these expectations have always affected me as a healer. I’m guessing it’s the much larger problem of us all being led away from our own “psychic”; the healer we all have inside of us. Our intuition.
So many tangents, what was I talking about? The book. And being afraid to write about it. I was afraid of what you would think, friends would think, Jeff would think. I’ve been shaking off a belief that I’m flaky for a long time. Trying to accept myself and that I always get excited about learning and new things. And I usually have a great sense for finding things that are worthwhile for me. Hell, they’re all worthwhile, all have a learning experience. But with this one, I don’t know. I really quit on myself. And people are going to whatever, for ever. Who cares? I mean, I care, of course. But trying to not so much.
The Path of Direct Revelation. That’s what shamanic journeys are for. How cool is that? That’s what I wanted! I want my own angels like I’d seen with many psychics/healers/whatevers have had. I wanted that direct line. So I read the whole book and started practicing. Anything I was struggling with, or Jeff was, or Kitty was. I would journey with it. And here’s what Sandra says in paraphrasing:
- Shamans were given that title in their community because they got results; finding water, divining, growing food, and healing people. So, you know, go try and get results.
- She also addresses the question of: “What if I’m making this up in my head? How can I trust what I get?”. She responded with: If you get results, who cares?
- She also said, This is a guide. If your intuition leads you somewhere else, do that (again that’s how she reminded me of my experience with Pia. It made me feel capable and that there was nothing to lose).
A quick word on journeying from someone who barely knows what it is: it’s going into a meditative, focused state and traveling to non-ordinary reality vs the ordinary reality we are in right now (or not, depending on who you are). Most people seem to use a drum to do this “traveling”. That’s what I use, a recording that Sandra made for that purpose. Also, just google shamanic journeying. J
I’d say there were a few things I journeyed on that I could look for verifiable results and at least one of those I got good results for. It was with Kitty. We were having all kinds of trouble with her. She hit her limit for travel a while ago and I was trying to go speak to her spirit and get some answers. The answers I got there were verified by an animal communicator we hired a few weeks later. That was pretty cool but I in no way had confidence. I was highly discouraged with it but willing to practice. And somewhere along the way in the last month I had given up on practicing. It wasn’t until I was writing this very piece that I realized I gave up on myself and something that was meaningful for me. I guess I was afraid of failure. That looks so lame as I write it. I mean, I was already kind of failing at it. I started out not good like all people when they start out new.
I’m not exactly sure what to do with it. I still really want that tool, of journeying, for myself. I’d like to see if I could get better.
That’s all for now.