Again, it’s been quite a long time since I last posted anything of real depth (unless you count the s#!t about our toilet) . Much of it I can say has had to do with how busy we’ve been. How, you ask, could we be so busy? A valid question, for sure. I’ve asked it myself many times, and answer eludes me.
This is in part due to the fact that I have something called “time indifference”. It is a real disorder, or at least a portion of a greater one. It’s actually a term I learned as I dabbled for a bit with an organization called “Underearner’s Anonymous”. It’s an offshoot of the organization everyone is familiar with called Alcoholics Anonymous. I’ve not been involved in any of the other offshoots, or the AA program itself, but as I understand it, UA follows many of the same principles, and utilizes the “bible” of AA for its basic structure and “scripture”. One of the symptoms of an “undernearner” is “time indifference”. And, it is a definite one (I relate to nine of them) of the ten symptoms I have that indicate this disorder or disease afflicts me.
I bring this up because about a year ago when Emily went through the steps as part of another offshoot called “Debtor’s Anonymous”, she and her sponsor Rebecca, as well as Rebecca’s husband, Paul, directed me to the UA program, as they felt I might benefit from it. Paul himself was going through the UA program subsequent to a life-changing experience he’d had through Debtor’s Anonymous, and both Emily and I had implicit trust in this couple. So, I began working the UA program. The first thing I did was something called “time tracking” I did this because my time indifference didn’t just affect me, it affected others, and for the last five years, that now included Emily. This time indifference is difficult to understand if you don’t have it. But, imagine you are constantly wondering where time goes, why you aren’t able to accomplish (an unrealistic) list of tasks for any day, week, month, or year, how it is suddenly time to go do something you thought was still hours away, why you are always late, in a hurry, or arriving just on time, and most importantly or to summarize, “why isn’t there enough time in the day”, and stressing terribly about that. This is a hint of how it feels, but most importantly, I feel powerless to it. It causes me great distress…and stress. My hair went gray early, maybe this is a large part of it!
Back to today, and back to the question of where our time goes. I’m sure Emily knows better about what happens to hers, and she doesn’t necessarily stress or worry about it. I do, though. And, honestly, what’s almost as important (and maybe today even more important), is one of the basic results of being an underearner, which is the belief that I (or we) don’t have enough money, time, or abundance…that these things are all in short supply. It feels like continuously climbing a descending escalator. Pretty daunting, huh? It sure feels that way. And, it’s not like Emily and I didn’t both know we individually had an issue around not having enough money. It’s part of the reason we took the leap…to face our fears, to be warriors, not peasants. So, the battle wages on, daily.
Some days are a triumph. I can say, and truly believe it myself, “I trust that our path is led by the divine spirit, and we would not be lead in this way to our demise”. Also, “the worst-case scenario isn’t that bad…we don’t have dependents (sorry Kitty, you do count…but we’ll always have you covered!), a mortgage, or considerable debt, so no worries!”. On good days, I can say these things to Emily, when she is struggling, and on my bad days, she can often share something similar with me. Some days, we can both be in a pit of despair. Those can really suck, especially if you try to use your brain for a workaround! If on those days, we can laugh about it, then success! The bad days can be ugly, though. Downward spiral is a good way to put it.
Either way, it needs to be made clear that even though we are living a divinely inspired life, doing what many wish they could do, and experiencing amazing things, don’t think it’s all easy. Don’t think it’s without strife. This is something none of us can or will ever be without. We can only find a system through which we can navigate the stormy waters. Best case scenario, we elevate ourselves to a divine master and simply recognize our circumstances and change our focus to the divine, or remind ourselves it’s all mind over matter, and conjure up what we feel we are “missing” at will.
For me at my level of consciousness, I’m starting back with at least some of the UA tools. Time tracking is what I had previously begun with a year ago when I became aware of the program. All I did was buy an app for my phone for a buck or two, came up with tasks that I felt were a regular part of my life, entered them in the app, and began tracking what I was up to and for how long every day. The plan then and now was to, after a few weeks or months had passed, analyze my time to see how I was using it effectively, and more importantly, ineffectively. Last time, I never got around to analyzing it, but I was then somehow managing my time better, and my stress level seemed somewhat diminished. It wasn’t but a couple of months before I stopped tracking my time, and eventually things went back to (ab)normal.
Since I have some ideas I’ve been meaning to work on for what I believe will eventually create an income for myself, but somehow never having the time for, Emily and I felt it was time to start doing so again. And so far since again starting to work with the app, I have found myself taking action on things that have long been put off. It has helped greatly that Emily is interested in UA a bit for herself, and that we have started to have “Action Meetings” every Sunday to set tasks, goals, and action items for the week ahead, as well as to look back on the previous week’s successes and failures. I believe our efforts have given me the time and desire to begin posting on this blog again!
Emily has received divine guidance through Rebecca via the DA Program, and in this she has become incredibly organized, self-managed, and in charge of her money (now “our” money). We’ve recently combined our individual finances into shared finances, and for this reason is in the driver’s seat. We are using a web-based system of managing our money based on direction and experience from Rebecca and Paul. This will greatly help us through our “afflictions” while we continue to work through our emotional/spiritual weaknesses around money. Deepest gratitude to the entire lineage of AA, DA, and UA organizers, volunteers, and members to have made this what it is, and to be able to offer it to people like us. And, heartfelt compassion to anyone who may be afflicted in this way or in some other way I am unable to comprehend.
For now, just like you, we continue the battle in front of us. Ours may be different than most, but in many ways, it is the same. As I mentally vomited once before about “Following Discomfort”, I will somewhat reiterate…what we avoid or what we feel the most uncomfortable about is the arrow of the compass for what we should turn to face in life. The sooner the better, because at least for me, where the hell does time go???
For more information on UA or DA, see the following links: