Emily and I had received a psychic reading many, many years ago now which in part indicated to us that we would find our true selves and elevate our relationship to a new level in California. Now, looking back just a few weeks when I realized we would be in California already, I had a real sense of shock and anxiety around it. At the time, as my mind tried to piece together the reason for the anxiety, it came down to being in an environment that is 180 degrees different than we’ve been living. Since I’d lived in Orange County for the better part of eight years, I really dug my heels into several communities within the community. I’d become rather close to the coworkers in my previous work industry. I’d become part of the mountain bike community through volunteer work with a trail advocacy group. I’d also grown close to another group of friends connected through performing arts and teaching. In large part, I’d spread myself painfully thin in my life in Orange County. When I lived here, I was wearing myself out. Compare this to how we’ve been living for several months now, essentially just the three of us with very little distraction from anything or anyone, and maybe you can get a sense of the reason for anxiety.
Now we come a rollin’ into my old haunt, and my fear is that I’ll slip back into past habits, losing myself in the process. But now, the true reality of the anxiety has made itself known. Since we crossed into California, both Emily and I have been through quantum shifts in our emotional and spiritual bodies. We’ve both done some work with Suzanne Connelly, who has looked deeply into our individual souls and presented them to us uncensored. Within two days, the one two-hour video conference I had with her gave me a sense of lightness I haven’t felt in years, or maybe ever in this lifetime. Since then I have also felt a day or two of this major sense of slamming back down to earth. As we’ve come to learn, our “rational-minded” egos don’t give up easily. They claw, scratch, scream, and bite when they lose ground. When we feel this sense of dread, if we can simply remember that fact, we are ahead of the game. Just remember that it happens, and give up on “thinking your way out”. Then, what comes the next day is usually a pure sense of happiness or lightness.
Going back to the “Identity Crisis” thing, I don’t think I really dipped into the more superficial though ever-present aspect of my mind around this. Let’s just say it’s all about the ego as assigned to us at this point in time in history. Specifically, it’s been about men and their identity being assigned through the work they perform. Yes, I know it’s the same for women now, and maybe even worse, since they are still forced to identify with the “nurturing mother” assignment, but that’s a topic for another day. At some point I have prayed to the universe for direction on my next move for a career. The response has been pretty clear, but the rational mind doesn’t agree. One of my certifications is up for a 3-year renewal next month, and the cost to me is about four hours of time and $250. To get re-certified, it’s about $2500. Rational mind: “Well duh, just pay for it. If nothing else, it’s a safety net!”. Spiritual mind: “Giving any money or any energy to your past career sends the opposite signal to the universe. Have faith as you have thus far, and your career will be revealed at the right time!”
I’m getting better at trusting in the universe or “having faith”, and so far I have been given nothing but rewards. Yes, there have been difficult days, and lots of them! But, the more I trust in “the process”, the fewer and far between they become. The bigger issue is this identity thing. I still associate “work”, and my identity too, with what I did most recently. People know me as that guy. I know myself as that guy…but it is fading. The picture of my most recent former self has gotten muddier every month that has passed. The world appears much clearer to my eyes and my mind, and I can feel the path being revealed. I am not who I’ve known myself to be thus far. I am getting a clearer sense of who I am and what makes me tick. Through this work with Suzanne, my heart is opening in a way it never has. I feel a new strength that has helped me reconnect with my friends in ways that I never could have before. I can give love, and feel it and see it given in return. My guard is down. I am slowly (ok, maybe rapidly) being freed of the protective shell that serves me no longer in my adult years.
Most importantly, I noticed a new sense of calm that I don’t remember or haven’t felt in as long as I can remember. This impacts all things. I feel less anger toward people and instead a sense of love and compassion. I am less (but for sure not totally) judgmental. This I still sense and recognize and will take some more work. I am not as “concerned about the outcome” as I was before, this sort of sense that everything must go “this way” or that someone’s reaction to my addressing something must provide the result I am seeking. What a relief, really. I can breathe better, and my heart (yes, my actual heart) feels stronger. I also haven’t found myself reacting in the same way with Emily’s state of mind (or state of soul). Rather, I calmly respond and feel less impacted by her energy. In turn, she is calmer, and the ping pong effect is neutralized.
During my session with Suzanne, I was told I “sympathized too much with the female pain body”. But, I couldn’t fit this into my reality. It was quite a few days later when I felt Emily’s energy was “off”. My old reactive self kicked into “recoil and protect” mode. But this time the calm rolled in and took over. We in turn got out the figurative scalpels and did some surgery. What started out as an uncomfortable day turned into a couple hours of individual awakenings. Emily’s were brilliant and my reactions to them just right to her. What I realized about myself was a direct correlation with this “female pain body” thing. It had everything to do with experiences and people all through my life, but I had become so accustomed to them, I could no longer even see them for what they were. Until now, that is. Like I said, awakenings! Now, how to deal with it and no longer play, that is next.
So, in summary (at least for now), I leave you with: 1) California has just the right energy for us right now, 2) my identity is not career related at the moment…maybe it someday will be again, maybe not. Either way, I will have to entrust the universe to taking care of us until the money comes again!, 3) I feel better thanks to the spiritual work with Suzanne (but couldn’t have gotten here without gaining a new sense of faith from our adventures, consistent daily meditation, close friends like you for support, and Emily bringing to me her wealth of knowledge in psychology). If your eyes (or eye) is open, all things work together to paint our picture of reality. How much we pay attention is what determines how smooth or jagged the lines of the picture.
I have another session with Suzanne tomorrow, and will report on this and maybe some other things I’m not yet sure I’ve got my head around. Thanks for reading and I hope all is well…enjoy your day.