Diving Deep

“I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths but a great fear of shallow living.”

~ Anais Nin

With the sale of our house in Denver, I remembered that I love getting self-care services…I love doing things for myself…no, that doesn’t sound right. That sounds so indulgent. Better said maybe as, “I need help!”. I want help. I like being nurtured. I like doing things or paying for things that are totally devoted to that. And after what feels like a lifetime of having to “be tough” and “get by” and being terrified and no one showed me how to do it but I’ll definitely figure it out and no one will see me sweat, type of thing, I don’t want to do things myself. I think of my sister. Most people would describe her as tight with money. She revels in being able to DIY.  And I give her props for that. This allowed her to pay off her house (with a family of of 5, no less!) in 10 years. I have this $18 deodorant I buy on Amazon. It can pretty easily be made yourself. But I don’t want to. I want the feeling of getting it for myself. I want to feel nurtured and pampered. Which means that ever since I started keeping my numbers (Debtor’s Anonymous term. I record every penny of income and expense.) I have what most people see as an abundant amount to spend on self-care.

This changed, by my choice, towards the end of 2016. Mostly in preparation for our adventure. Not necessarily to save money (I told you I didn’t save a bunch of money!) but because I felt a need to work less. And again, what I learned through my money recovery, that when you know exactly what you need to live you can adjust your spending to fit just about anything that might come your way. Like, needing to work less. I was adept at lessening or eliminating items depending on what my income was. It can fluctuate slightly. But I know the things that can go, and the things that should not go. My money recovery taught me that quality of life is of utmost importance. And that I might keep a self-care thing in favor of saving money. But I digress…

With the profits of our house, we had ourselves a windfall (another DA word brought to me by Rebecca Berg). And with a windfall, I look to the past (debt), present, and future (investments, retirement). In the present I knew there needed to be celebration money for Jeff and I. And boy was I do for some nurturing! I’m regularly searching and finding healers, body workers, and psychics. That was on pause for about 3-4 months. Hell, I’d even started cutting my own hair and dyeing it! I was rubbing my own legs even! What has this world come to?! So I quickly found the things I wanted to put money into. New clothes for my new life (mostly of the yoga-REI variety) and services that would support and deepen my emotional and spiritual journey. All in the same 30 days I had scheduled 3 different services. I had stopped, thinking, ‘Emily: are you being impulsive? Are you just grasping at straws?’ I answered myself back pretty quickly, ‘NO! We have been desperately missing this kind of care and stimulation! We’ve cut it out, by choice, and now we are ready to have it back and we’re hungry! We will settle when we’ve been properly inspired and feel full’.

The session I’m sitting here preparing to write about for you is with a woman named Suzanne Connolly. I do not have confidence that I will be able to properly do it justice but I know I have to try. And let me tell you: Buckle up. Because we are going on a ride.

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I found Suzanne through an article here, from a friend through a few twists and turns of serendipity, in Spirit Guides Magazine.  I had the kind of gut reaction I always pay attention to as I read the article. ‘Yep, I want to know this Suzanne. I want to receive whatever she can give to me. I’ll just pop over to her website…oh, Suzanne, your website is lame…yep, there we go, awesome. And email sent’. Now I will check for her response every 7 minutes. I encourage you to read the interview and article on her, then you will understand my response to her. I knew she had the goods. She had a special combination of the mystical coupled with organization and groundedness. Perfect.

Last Friday was our session. It was a two-hour Skype/FaceTime session. I had to put icepacks on our jetpack and our cell booster in preparation. And under my computer! We jump right in and she begins to read me as I explain what I’m looking for, “I have you repeat this, ya see, because it will light up in your body and give me more information as you talk about it. Even though I have the information written in front of me”. She’s Irish, raised in Belfast. Her accent made it even better. We start with a total evaluation of me through my chakras; with her peering right into me. It was a little unnerving. I was squirming but trying not to, so I could show her how spiritually superior I was. Not to her but to, like, every one else or something. She started at the top, Crown Chakra. Diagnosis: was once all the way open but had a cap in the middle, like a nickel taped in the middle of a flashlight. Third-eye Chakra: “It’s the strangest thing; its opening and closing at me. Like it’s trying to decide if it wants to be seen”.  She goes on to explain the echoes that happen in this life when there’s been a trauma in another life. Like this eye opening and closing. That I was killed for the things I saw and spoke of; killed for being a witch. So in this life a milder version might be to be dismissed, ridiculed, or criticized for what I see or speak. But the effect is the same: unsure of being seen. Not sure that its safe to be seen. Which also shows up for the same reasons in the 5th/Throat Chakra. “Its the right size, but there’s a gag on it. From another lifetime, not resolved.” Early on I mentioned my teeth grinding, she said, “Yes, we’ll look at that. I can see it, I can see why its there. We’ll get to that in a bit.” And she mentioned it here, with the throat chakra. “We have a saying in Ireland, ‘hard as nails’. You probably have that saying here too. You’re super sharp and you don’t miss a thing. You have that. But you’re a mix. You have this soft underbelly, covered with that ‘hard as nails’. But that is not your nature, that softer part is your nature. The hard part is your conditioning. It’s the trauma. Those two parts grind against each other, if you will. And that grinding in your teeth will go on until that’s resolved. You’ll have to deconstruct that hardness.”   I knew this and I didn’t. This feeling came up several times in this session. That something was beckoning to me from deep inside myself. Some of it I had no idea was there and others I had an idea that it was there. This realization was more hidden than not; and as soon as it surfaced it rang as true. It had a slight deflating effect. And a loosening and opening. Fragile. Delicate.

“Be not the slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

She also noted “tear tracks” for grief that is unexpressed. Heart Chakra: “Its been shot through. That is from this life. It’s very difficult to recover from this type of wounding to the heart, to be able to have a close vulnerable relationship. But when you do, your spiritual path will be the most important drive in your life.  More important than your spouse or even your kids. We’re going to do some wound work with your heart today.” She then spoke of finding Void energy just behind my heart. This was nothing to be afraid of but is important for her to explain. I’ll paraphrase here: “You’ll often find Void energy is people, to different degrees. It happens because life is not what we expected, not what we signed up for, once we get here. And we long for home (yes, most of my life). And children go back and forth to the Void up until 5. You know, between there bodies in the this world and the spiritual world. Which is the void from which everything comes. Most people resolve this by 5 or 7 years old. We find something to care about, get invested in. But some of us have a particularly difficult time and we go to the Goddess of the Void, she is the gatekeeper of this world, and we ask for her to give us a piece for us to take with us. And because she is truly Divine, she gives us what we desire. And then we have a piece of home to take with us.” She went on to describe the “existential depression” we can experience. “Not like clinical depression, it is a loneliness for the Divine. A lateral, not a horizontal, depression.”

Solar Plexus/3rd Chakra: “It’s like Fort Knox. Like a bank vault. There’s a steel door and then behind that, another steel door. Let’s say this (as she’s doing that peering into me), I wouldn’t want to cross you, I wouldn’t want to be on the wrong end with you. You’re formidable. It’s difficult to take you down (In me, in that moment, something gave way. It was a brief moment of pride, then straight away to a wrenching sob, that I don’t let loose. I can feel the battlements being pulled away. So expertly, kindly.) Behind that, I seen a teenage girl looking at a male figure. I see bitter disappointment, despair and betrayal. He’s not what you expected, he let you down profoundly.”

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Sacral/2nd Chakra: “I see a little boy, 3 or 4 years old. Very clearly. He really wants to be born to you. Did you have a pregnancy three years ago?” Me: No. And I don’t actually want children. She pauses, looking for the words, “I would ask you to consider something. Consider changing the language to ‘I don’t know what I want yet. I don’t have full access to my heart to make this decision’. ” Again, I felt something give way in me. Something I did not want to give way. Something that felt vital to who I am…yet, something said, ‘Yes, this is true. Look here.’ I told her just for my own ego, I can’t let all those smug bastards be right and I would heal myself and realize all along I wanted a baby. That all women are supposed to want babies. But I wasn’t going to let myself be hung up on some elaborate agenda to show the world type of shit. My ego was not going to make decisions about anything important or keep me from finding who I really am. Even if I’m afraid.

Root/1st Chakra: I don’t remember much about this one because of the effect of the one just previous. Feet, firmly planted, grounded. I was starting to reel inside. We used the whole first hour for the initial evaluation. Next on to the compassionate depossession. Suzanne explains it to be this on her website:

“Clearing suffering beings/spirits from the body is a very potent way to remove unwanted energies from the system that are causing great pain and suffering for both the host and the being.  Helping beings into the Light is a magnanimous and gracious act of love, for which the helping spirits and the beings themselves are very grateful.

Hosting beings may have originally been done to alleviate loneliness or sadness in the client, or because the client felt sorry for the suffering beings and had a predisposition to helping others.  Sometimes the beings arrive and move in because the client’s energy is ‘familiar’ to them because of a family connection.

Depossession is a compassionate and straight-forward process that helps both client and being to move on in their growth.”

This of course is nothing to be afraid of. I had done this work before, so I was familiar with it. Suzanne moves around efficiently, aware of the time and that we have a lot to do. In less than an hour. I have my eyes closed almost for the entirety of the next hour; focusing inside. Together, we focus in on my body and she asked for the energies to step forward, and I’m to pay attention to what comes up first. A section about the size of my hand, running straight up and down, on the right side of my ribs, lights up. She asks for me to speak for the energy, as she asks questions of it.  She speaks with authority and compassion:

Suzanne: Do you know where you are?

Energy: Not really.

S: How long have you been inside the body of Emily?

Energy: 3 years

S: Are you male or female?

Me: A boy.

S: How old?

Me: 12

S: What’s your name?

E: Anthony

S: What do you remember about your the end of your life? Where were you?

E: Not on this land. S: From another world? E: No, a different place here (Me: I think it was England.) S: What do last remember? E: A fire, I was in the attic/upstairs. It was so smokey.

S: Who was with? Was your mom and dad there? Your family?

Me: Just his mom, I can’t quite tell where anyone else is.

Suzanne then goes on to speak to him in a way I can tell she has done a 100 times. She asks him if he’s willing to go to a portal to the next life. (P.S. Suzanne’s spirit guides are the Archangels Michael and Gabriel (I think, can’t quite remember this one). She is consulting with them throughout the entire process. And Michael is often assisting. The archangels have opened up portals to the next world, in all directions. Giving the energies a choice of what direction they wish to exit.) Anthony chooses to exit through an opening to my top right. He is hesitant to go; hesitant to do anything. But he and I can see there are people waiting for him. He goes but it takes awhile. I could feel his little feet jumping on my leg like a diving board for a minute or so as the energy exited completely. Suzanne explains this is normal. It takes time for the energy to go; and there’s residue after. Suzanne: “Michael, please fill the empty space with the light of God” or something like. She also made a speech to the energy about taking all its energy, I can’t do it justice but it left me with the sense of its time to go, “you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here” kind of vibe. But all very efficient and compassionate, as indicated.

Then, with proper time given to the removal of the energy above, we move on. The next one is in my solar plexus area: a tapeworm. Its HUGE. Like python size. Its starts to exit as soon as she starts to speak to it. It exits straight below. I felt a lot of space in that area immediately after. And we move on. Clickin’ along. She’s paying close attention to my energy level put I’m, for once, energetic and resilient. “You notice how you’re not drained? Even though we’re doing this deep work? That’s your true nature.” Little chills from that. That echoes what I’ve been finding in Ayurvedic medicine. This shield, its draining me. When I get to my true nature, I will have energy. I will have the vitality I’m truly looking for. Then on to my womb. It just came up, pushed in front of the others. I feel it bulge out in front of me. Like I’m fully pregnant. It’s uncomfortable. Brings up the fear I have of being pregnant by accident. Not intending it. But I embrace it for this work and because of what was said earlier.

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S: What is it?

Me: It’s a baby. S: Boy or girl? Me: Boy. S: How old is he? Me: 3. S: Is the little boy we saw earlier? Me: Yes. S: Did you have a pregnancy then? Me: No.

S: (Directing herself to the little boy) When did you come into the world? Where did you come from?

Energy/Little Boy: I was stopped before I even started. (I took this to mean, he nearly got started in life but didn’t. IUD thwarted his existence. Or just stopped at the gate kind of thing, because I didn’t want children.)

S: Who is Emily to you? E: My mother.

Suzanne begins to speak with him and I answer for him when needed. She starts her speech with him about “can’t you see that you will never get want you want hiding inside this body?”. That it’s better to move on to the spirit world, because that’s the only way he’ll actually get born; through a conscious choice. And, I guess, can’t get born if his energy hangs out here, in this way. Something happens, and I open my heart to this little boy. Against all my “hard-as-nails” instincts. Because it feel wrong to be closed to this. He moves to right behind my shoulder and I begin to cry. I can feel his energy and I can feel love for him.

Me: “He moved to my shoulder. I’d be okay with letting him hang out there if…”

S: No. He has to move on in order to actually be born. (She said this much better, but the jist was, this is the proper order of things. This is in everyone’s best interest.)

We begin the process of opening the portal for him, I seem to remember seeing bright blue sky though this one, up and to the right. It was a sad goodbye and left me shaken and confused about myself. Scared too. I’m still afraid I will be made to have a baby when I really don’t want to.

We move on to the next one, when that one is complete. The energy steps forward.

S: This is Suzanne and I am addressing myself to the energy inside of Emily’s body on the left shoulder blade.

Me: Its my warrior. (Its male and female. Both and none)

S: And how long have you been with this body?

E (Energy): 15 years.

S: And what is your purpose here?

E: To show her how to protect herself.

And I am crushed. ‘No, that cannot be. This warrior is me. That’s who I am. This is who I am. OH GOD, no’. And tears, lots of tears. ‘I’ve seen these lives! I thought they were my lives!’ I’ve seen visions of what I thought was my Native American life and it would seem that this particular life was not mine. This strikes at the cord of who I think I am.

S: Are you willing and ready to exit this body?

E: (A pause, and I can see that he is exhausted and sad. True to the warrior, he didn’t give up the fight. He didn’t leave him comrade alone on the battle field. But he would like to stop fighting. He would like to go home. I am shocked.) Yes. (And sorrow for us both. We cry. And we have a very sad goodbye. A reluctant good bye but I see the truth now. He wants to go home.)

He slowly exits to my left, directly, and I see or have a sense that his people are waiting. I need time here. I have truly been altered. I do not quite know who I am, going forward. But I will go.

“Fate whispers to the warrior
You cannot withstand the storm
The warrior whispers back
I am the storm…”

But wait, there’s more. Yeah. We still have more, people. Are you with me?? Good.

We are in the second half of the session, well into it. The solution part, the healing part.

She helps to execute a soul retrieval. I won’t go into that here. It was a short process compared to all the others.

The next phase is Wound Work. And wouldn’t you know it, it is nearly identical to my Inner Child Work. Suzanne brings up the teenager and the memory she saw before; with the betrayal, disappointment, and despair. She asks me to go to the memory that most significantly contributes to this trauma (or something like that), and I see it immediately. Its me, at 3/4 in my bedroom. I’ve seen this scene before, I tell Suzanne, I’ve been here before. I’ve worked on this memory many times before.

S: I want you to pause this scene. Come up from behind and tap her on the shoulder. Tell her that you want you would like to take her from this place. You would like to take care of her and build a place for her inside your heart. Would she like to do that?

I do this. My little girl is strange looking here. She is frozen, she’s got the traumatized look. She doesn’t look like herself, this is always disturbing. I’m thinking, ‘oh god, what if I can never get her to look different?’ I’m instructed to take her in to her very own room inside my heart and build it just as she would like it. It starts to materialize in front of us. It is a large airy, sunlit room, facing west. It is high above the earth, level with the trees. Windows all along the west wall. The best is along this wall. There is a small table for playing and eating. She also has a bath tub here and I am to run her a bath. Asking permission if I can be here. Asking if she needs help undressing. She says, “No, I can do it” without any defiance. And I also have permission to give her a bath. And we run it just high enough so she can lay down in it without the water covering her face. And she lays back in that vulnerable way 3 years do, closing her eyes tight. I wash her hair and she relaxes. She is looking like herself. She is coming alive. She runs around naked for awhile  and then its time for breakfast: oatmeal, bacon and fruit. Then its time to let her rest. But not before I show her the outside.  We look at the animals outside, we see lots of birds and there’s an orange cat that appears right at the window. These are the animals that will look after her while I’m not around. I’m instructed to tell the 3 year old that the birds and her cat, she names Prancey without a second thought, can speak to her and will help her. She immediately begins to do this. Talking with the little birds that come to the window. Then she climbs into bed and little Prancey is all over her. Moving like liquid. Curled up around her neck. She is in heaven. I can see that this little cat is very capable of protecting her too as it shows me that it can change into a huge cat when needed. The 3 year old and I connect fully. I share many words with her about how I love her and will look after her from here on out. That I will always be back and that there will be others to join her soon. It makes my heart burst to see she is changing and healing. She is trusting me, she is feeling safe. She doesn’t have a care in the world. Right when I transitioned her here, I could still see that other room but this has totally fallen away now (and is true today as well, as I write this).

Suzanne and I were coming right up to the end here. And she is brining me back now. Guiding me gently back up to the surface. I open my eyes. I realize that I was in DEEP. I realize that I don’t feel I am in the same body. Now, I’ve done all kinds of time travel, with this type of work. Feel that sense of being far away when I open my eyes. But never, I don’t think, that I’m looking through a new set of eyes.

There is not one other thing I can think to say of it for now, so the end, I guess.

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Post Script: I was searching for a title for this piece. Which I usually don’t have to do. All I had was deep dive? Dive deep? The best I had. I go into the website to add it and I see Jeff’s next blog, waiting to be posted: “Following Discomfort”: Divin’ a Bit Deeper

*The art work is by Katherine Skaggs (we were born on the same day) and Shijun Munns (the mermaid).

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