Lost

(No, Kitty is not lost. I realized that could be misleading. I just wanted you to have something cute to look at.)

It started with our “Trip into Town”. These have become quite an event for us. I enjoy them and get excited when we go into town. So far, we’ve stayed in four spots and they’ve been about 30-50 mins from “town”. Which works great for me. I understand now these people that live in the country. This peace and quiet thing; it hit me early. I’m telling you, we are in our retirement years at 36 and 43. These are things I’ve seen old people value, thought it was an old person thing. Oh, how little I understood. I’m remembering a professor of mine at Western State University. She commented on seeing me running but she didn’t call after me because I had my headphones one. She said, “Oh, I just like the peace and quiet when I run”. I remember being shocked, ‘peace and quiet? There is no way I could run or work out without listening to music (i.e. just being with my own thoughts). So, hooray! I have some ability to be with my thoughts now!

So. We did a trip into town on a Thursday, as we often do because I don’t work on Thursday. We try to accomplish as much as possible while there and we’re are pretty much always going in for groceries. This time it was: 1) pick up Fedex package (finally! It had been eluding my grasp since Feb 28 when I ordered it), 2) pick up Amazon package at the new Amazon Locker (so cool, this one is outside QuikTrip, like a Redbox. Scan your code and your locker pops open with your package.), 3) Ayurvedic Medicine Consultation (for me), 4) Lunch before we die of starvation, 5) Summit Hut to pick up my order of clothes, 6) Laundromat (disgusting), and 7) grocery store. Whew. We did a decent job of pacing ourselves; we sat and ate lunch. We took a break before the grocery store but those of you that know me know that I am not resilient in this way. I am like a very delicate flower that will wilt without exacting conditions.

The next day, Friday, I was toast. I knew I would be recovering, at least for the first half of the day. I let Jeff know, “I’m basically worthless and will be watching movies”. Jeff went out to do some exploring. I was so glad to be alone. I’m very introverted and do not have resilience around, what? Energy capacity? I don’t know how to explain it. My new found information in Ayurveda identifies it as a Vata imbalance.  Which is very interesting to me. The best I had come up so far in my experience and research was a blood sugar problem. And this information had definitely helped me. Ayurvedic medicine says this is a digestive problem (in my limited, current understanding), which is very interesting to me. Because I didn’t have the typical symptoms one would think of, like indigestion, acid reflux, constipation. It describes it as an assimilation problem. That if I was absorbing and digesting food properly every meal wouldn’t be an emergency (which it usually is). Hmmm. More on that later as I get more information. So, for now, I’m just toast after a full day of activity. To be expected for me. The funny thing was that I didn’t recover the way I usually do. That I will rest and require almost nothing of myself and then I will recover. This time I felt like I was having a hard time tethering back to the  Earth. I’m finding this is another aspect of those of us with the Vata dosha. In Ayurvedic medicine, there are 3 constitutional types. My primary is Vata, Pitta is secondary. More on that here. We tend to be, as people, very airy. I took a little offense to this when I first read it, ‘I’m not flaky!’. I am very sensitive to people thinking that I am flaky. But where it does show up is in my sometimes fragile connection to the ground. I can get knocked sideways fairly easily. Another way I describe it is that its like the axis of the earth tilts and I can lose my sense of direction in a way. Left wondering where I am and what day it is and what time it is. Even questioning my physical presence sometimes. Sound weird? Well if you get it, you might have some of that airy quality that I have.

So, I’d been knocked loose some how that weekend. And it wasn’t helping that I was getting lost in watching tv, movies, and the internet. All of that keeps me from being in my own body and my own experience. That’s how I tether back to the ground. And then by the time I kind of awaken to what’s happening, like, ‘oh shit, I’m out there’. I don’t particularly care that much to come back. I found that I’d like to keep living in these fantasy worlds of my book or my show. Even though the one tv show, Big Little Lies, is super dark. It dives into the darker, lower vibration stuff of humanity. I mean, it was acted superbly. Superb. But I have a really hard time watching stuff like that. Same with scary stuff, like, The Walking Dead, it just drags me down. Really effects me. It was like just days before, the happiness I had found, had never existed. It was so strange. I don’t take dives like this; its not normal for me. I felt like I’d fallen down a rabbit hole. Luckily, I have routines in place. I have a structure I can lean on; a foundation I’ve built that will hold up at times like these. I went to my meditation and I reached out to my spiritual support. Saturday I lay in bed and I prayed. These days, its the Divine Mother. Mostly. When I pray. I prayed and I felt nothing. It strange for me to feel nothing, these days. It was disconcerting. I woke up Sunday and again felt nothing. One of the major parts of my spirituality is that its experiential. I feel it in my body. But I sit down to meditation anyway.

And I pray for help. Even though I feel nothing. And I believe nothing. And my prayers are not heartfelt or even that clear. I almost immediately start to get some ideas. But they are so subtle and drop so delicately in my mind that I don’t believe it. And I thought, ‘no, I think I just thought that. I think I just pushed that through willfully’. I had a little struggle with myself. My higher self responding with, ‘no, that may not be. The ideas weren’t anything crazy. We will probably just try them because they won’t hurt anything’. So I just sat there with it for the rest of my meditation. Then I got up and came inside. I told Jeff about the information/inspiration that I got. And as I started to speak it out loud I knew that in fact my prayers had been answered and that I had gotten almost immediate support and direction. It was nothing fancy. I’ve had this inkling to prioritize my day the Jeff had done recently. We use muscle testing for all kinds of decisions in our lives: food, where to go next, what shirt to buy, how much money to ask for, which music teacher to choose. These might sound strange especially if you don’t know what muscle testing is. I’m not sure I have the energy to properly explain it………..Nope. You’ll just have to ask me about it if you’re curious. And please do if you are. Anyway, Jeff had identified about 12 items, ranked them by importance and then by how many hours per week and per day that should be given. I was procrastinating this a little because I was afraid of seeing an increase or decrease in areas I wasn’t prepared to change. Do you remember a few posts back? I talked about that feeling I get at the back of my heart/chest? Yeah, that feeling, coming up again. In little tiny doses. Reminding me of big things, little things. Like, order new checks! Email those 3 people! Do your yoga! And it should be noted that this is not a should list, imposed upon me by the outside. These are things that I have determined are of utmost importance to me. Or an email that I truly want to write. Or a card I want to send. Those things hang on me! And create anxiety. Because, just like my little girls (inner children) like to remind me, “you’re not doing what you intended to do. You are out of sync with yourself”.

So I had Jeff help me to determine my priority list (with muscle testing):

  1. Work: 16 hrs per week
    • 10 client hours (I balked at this number even. Like, eeehhhh, maybe 8 hours)
    • 6 Business development, skill development
  2. SRF Meditation: 5 hours per week
    • 30 mins in the morning
    • 15 mins in the evening
  3. Me & Jeff: 14 hrs per week, 2 hrs a day
    • Date night once a week
    • Some time can be a crossover of sharing things on our list
    • 1 hr of quality time outside other list items
  4. Writing: 14 hrs per week, 2 hrs a day
    • Blog: 8 hrs per week
    • Non-fiction & Novels: 6 hrs per week
  5. Yoga: 9 hrs per week, 1.2 hrs per day
  6. Singing: 9 (!) hrs per week, 1.2 hrs per day
  7. Piano: 8 hrs per week, 1.1 hrs per day (I thought, well surely I can combine 6 & 7)
  8. Ayurvedic Medicine & Lifestyle: 20% of my day committed to this (I’m unclear how this will look, I have my follow-up meeting tomorrow)
  9. Energization (These are a set of exercises from Yogananda’s SRF lessons, from our meditation method): 1.5 hrs per week, 12 mins a day (which is almost exactly the time it takes to do them)
  10. Walking: 4.5 hrs per week, 35 mins per day
  11. TV: 6 hrs per week, 50 mins per day (this is the one I was most scared of)

It was a relief to see it in black and white. And relieved to see that I was matching these goals in many areas. Weeeee! The numbers felt really fair and made sense. I thought, ‘Yeah. I’m sure I’d be very happy with that schedule’. So that’s what I’m focusing my time on during the day. Getting that monkey off my back. Getting more in line with what I actually value. It feels good. It certainly got me un-lost. I say this to clients a lot. I gotta be able to look myself in the mirror. And when I’m doing any “tomorrow, I’ll finally…” or “I gotta…” or “why the fuck can’t I ….” it weighs on me HEAVY. HEAVY! HEAVY! HEAVY! It makes me think of the feeling I had after my first 9th Step Amends. I had NO IDEA what I carried around. All these years. Some harms I done to others that happened in grade school, that I had subconsciously had to reason away or hide from all this time. So, a slightly similar feeling. Once I wipe the slate clean, any harm done to others, or in this case any things I need to take care of or are important to keep me moving in life, weigh heavy. Stark contrast.

The End.

For Now.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s