I’ll start with the Up.
For those of you who know and have been following along: I struggle with a Hero/Savior Complex. Those words just now became more clear as I typed it. Helped along tremendously by Heather and her attending the Post Induction Therapy (PIT) training with Pia Mellody. What does Post Induction mean?? You definitely don’t catch it by reading those words. What she (Pia) means by induction is the lies that were, essentially, injected into you or were written on your clean, pure white slate. And what we do with them after the fact. The clean up! So Heather was immersed in this process this week; immersed in the language. Which is so awesome because it is the language of my heart. Pia put words to things that still resonate that still have remained relevant for me 7-8 years later. And relevant 30 years later! (When she introduced these ideas) Heather had it in my head about the role of hero. And the role of False Empowerment.
As a hero you are falsely empowered. I was falsely empowered to believe that I had something more than others. That I was meant to or built to carry things for others. This was taught in many ways but mostly through my conditioning to emotionally care for my parents. There is a reversal of roles here. Its unnatural. But! Empowering! And a kid will take esteem wherever they can get it. We will never turn away from praise or a sense of power. It feels good at the time even those its false and an abuse of the child. The child is being used to fulfill the parents’ needs.
So not only have I led many lives as a warrior/fighter/hero but it was being encouraged in this one too. And the life of the hero is a lonely one. Or for this type of hero, my type of hero. I get to feel superior but I’m all alone up there. That superiority being a self-fulfilling prophecy, not allowing me to see help or a way out. It has led me, in my adult life, to not have much faith in humanity. Yuck. I didn’t realize! I’m not proud of it! But there it is. So where’s the Up, Emily? I’m getting there, I’m being dramatical. It was also through a few contrasting experiences that have brought this to my awareness.
I applied to be on my first podcast, The Spiritual Voice .Weeeeee! I’ll be recording my interview in a couple weeks. They (co-founders Pol and Ldwain) have an application and interview process. I was doing my follow-up interview with Ldwain. He really blew me away. For many reasons: 1) I’m not used to men being a match for me. Sure I’m used to men matching me in aggression or one-upness or arrogance but not matching who I really am. Not matching me in intuition or emotional intelligence. Not challenging me. And all this happened. He was a match for me and he challenged me and it had no shame or judgment in it. He also offered me valuable input about my message on my website. Flabbergasted. 2) I’m used to being alone. A misfit (Thank you, Katie). On the fringe. What the fuck am I supposed to do with a welcoming community of people just like me? Where the struggle/fun in that?? This got me thinking about the next level for me. And I felt myself start to push through the little glass ceiling I had placed above my head. I got a glimpse of this new world: The struggle is over and you belong here. Hmmmm. Here it is, Emily, what you’ve been striving for ever since you arrived on earth, probably. Reach out and grab it. Hmmmm. (That’s me thinking, ‘do I want to?’) Luckily, the answer is a resounding, ‘YES!’ I’m ready for this even if it is weird and foreign to me. I’m ready to stop with the struggle. Stop letting my mind run the show. It is just not meant to be in charge (that’s coming in so clear).
That leads me to the Up. I got so high on that. This is the world I can live in. And for a long time! This feeling, its like coming home. Just something I thought I would always desire and never get while I was alive. I knew I’d have it in the spirit world. After. But its coming at me NOW. Its time for money where mouth is. So here’s the questions posed to me in this new life: are you ready to be joined by lots of people? Are you ready to not be alone? Are you ready to be challenged? Are you ready to believe in people? Even older white men??? (No, at first glance. Not proud of that. Would like to change it.) But yes to all those. Then I started trying it all on and it felt good!
And then the Down. I felt fear in my two closest people, Heather and Jeff. I pulled it right in. No filter. Whoops! I’ve always thought, ‘So a crackhead is cracked out, looking out the blinds, going crazy. But what’s my excuse?!’ I’ve always been in touch with my crazy. I’ve never been one of those “I can’t relate”. That drives me bananas! Like the Al-Anons not relating to the AAs and vice-versa. How do you not get each other?! You’re the same! Anyway, I’ve understood crazy. Like “psychosis” and paranoia. I can do it all by my lonesome, no drugs needed. And I did it last night! You know, for fun! It starts with staying up late, past my bedtime. 10:30pm. And then reading online celebrity gossip mags/sites (People, UsWeekly, Dlisted). And if that goes into a binge, I’m in trouble. Cause then the wheels are fucking going and I’ll be up later. My mind is just in fucked up bliss. I’ve given it complete control to go fucking wild. Just forfeited it over. ‘Yeah, let’s get fucked up! Instead of slowing down.’ Then I’m looking at the ads at the bottom of these fucking sites AND CLICKING ON THEM. Like, Biggest Celebrity Divorce Settlements! Seriously. Then, as I told Heather today, I reach the bottom. Oh, its bleak. I’ve smoked all the crack and there’s no more. I have reached the bottom and its devastating (to my mind, its devastated by facing stillness. So dumb) because there’s no where to go but out. Me to myself, ‘Welp, are you ready to head outta here?’ Myself back to me, ‘Fuuuuuuuuccccckkkk. Why did I do this?’ Me to myself, ‘Its fine. Don’t worry about it. You’re overwhelmed by all this new change and big feelings. You’ll be tired tomorrow but it doesn’t even matter.’
Oh you shoulda seen my mind this morning. Afraid to open its eyes. Cause it knew I would make it meditate this morning. It was like a wild horse in the round pen, not wanting the saddle put on. But by George, that saddle was going on. And it did. And I’m almost back to normal.