Oh boy, so much is happening.
I’m learning how to hold on to things for myself.
I’ve talked a lot about the weight that I have carried for humanity. That I cannot be free until every human soul has been liberated. And how that hasn’t been working so well for me anymore. Understatement.
I’ll go back a little. This blog is called Taking the Leap. I started it to document my and Jeff’s journey into our Big Adventure. I knew that after making this declaration, then planning to do it we would go through incredible change. Earlier this year, in May, I remember looking out in time and seeing that there was definitely a distance between our jump off point and where I then stood. And not just of time. I knew that there would be a great preparation of the mind, body and soul. What we were/are wanting to do is way out side of convention. And convention serves some purposes. It is seemingly safe and comfortable. Every one else is doing it. There is a clear path laid out (a lie, of course). For me, going against convention is not uncommon. I even get a kick out of it sometimes even doing it just do get rise out of people and then get a kick out of it. I say this to myself and clients often, “This is why people don’t change. This feeling, this fear, this is why people stay the same”. So it was not surprising when carrying out the very plans I intended to carry out and also have felt deeply inside me ‘yes I want this, really bad, I’m ready right now, let’s do this!’ I get kicked right in the nuts by panic and fear. The most recent of these was moving my office into my home. I knew when this day came it would be a big landmark for me in the transition.
I’m seeing how it is always my mind that comes in to ruin the party. And the further I go into this way of life the less I am relying on my mind. I’m seeing how undeveloped it is. And let me clarify (even though I don’t know how clear I’ll be able to be about this, many people have written what I’m about to write better than me), when I speak of the mind I mean more the ego or the human mind. Or a combination of both. I have such a keen sense of it inside myself but its hard to explain. In my meditation I’ve found that there are two different thinking parts: my higher self thinking and my lower self thinking. When I first drop into meditation – I have a whole routine. I start with breathing technique; just equal counts of breath in, hold, breath out. All with the same count. Its a nice transition from non-meditation to meditation. Then its like, ‘okay, I brought you in here gently, now let’s go a little deeper’. This is the time where I’ll let my mind work in a good way. I’ll solve problems, here, and get inspiration. None of the thinking brings up bad feelings, none of it brings restriction. But the mind (what I choose to call this part) is all fear. Its all about the past and the future and it is usually mired in details and how to accomplish things and also, the things that I might forget or do wrong or not anticipate.
What my meditation has allowed for me is to take control of the mind. I see this voice/part come in and it will take me on a ride if I let it. It takes me into a movie and I am gone from my body and anything right there in the moment. I’m realizing now that I let myself be taken. Its like any other discipline. It reminds me of my horseback riding lessons. When I first started I was SO FULL OF FEAR. It made it hard to notice all the subtleties. But just like people, if you’re calm and paying attention its all there. As I started to calm down I was able to join up with Cheyenne (my horse) and feel when his attention was going. I could feel when he was just about to do something. Usually something I didn’t want and I would correct before he would do it. A big part of horse riding is showing them your intention to be in control. Or that you are in control. And this will then allow them to follow you, willingly, when done correctly. They will happily follow a worthy leader. I find my mind to be the same. It starts with being disempowered. Sometimes with no recognition of power. Often starting from the place of ‘I have no power or control over this’. And this has been a years long process with me (although I do not think it has to take that long) to get to what I’m experiencing today. I can take command of mind and make it pay attention to what I want. I do this with varying degrees of commitment and success.
My office move went very smoothly. I experienced a decent amount of anxiety beforehand. Knowing that this was, again, my mind reacting to this huge change. Following my heart. The mind does not understand the heart. I think, never will. We can ask God about that one. Then the next day I was on Cloud 9. It felt so right. I was just high with it. I felt so comfortable. It felt so right to be welcoming these people into my home and letting them see who I am. It was very validating. And this brought me yet another step closer to the goal of location-independent work (mobile work).
The next day was a different story. I had a relapse. That’s what I just decided to call it. In to that old way: saving humanity/suffer endlessly. Its cool though, I am already dropping the shame of the experience and seeing that it provides me with more and more clarity about the mechanics of the behavior. The time of engaging like that with people is over. Everything in me makes that clear when I try to go backwards. When I try to convince or campaign, which is essentially me draining myself. Its like the divine has stepped in, my higher self, my body, my heart to intervene and say NO MORE. And as I type these words I am truly becoming grateful. That old way of relating is so unsustainable for me and I have begged for it to stop. I’m finally ready to let that happen. I’m finally ready to hold on to things inside myself. I’ve always given it all away. I thought it was my duty. It was my duty. Then. At that time. That was a job given to me that I know now to be false. It was incorrect. I can feel it now when its happening, at the back of my head and my neck. Intense and draining and tight. I can’t tell you how this had become the bodily experience of my life. Anxiety was my life. Drained of all energy at the end of the day was my life.
So I’m having this new bodily experience. Its still very new. Of holding things inside myself. Knowing something and not sharing it. Its so weird! But I see the effects in the immediate. It reserves energy. Go figure. I’ve joked with Heather and Anna about this: my insights are so lame. There like the insights of everyone through the ages. They’ve been written about by everybody. Yet, here I am! It doesn’t really dampen the wonder of it for me. Just effects my ego a little. Leading me to add this sarcastic footnote. I’m seeing, and I’ve seen this in my life before, that I get the cue when I’m supposed to share what I know. And if I don’t it’s okay to leave it where it is. Its better for everyone. I’m not actually leaving anyone behind in that moment. I’m seeing it now. Trying to shove something in at the wrong time and place doesn’t help me or the other person. And I can let myself off the hook. That way never actually worked. Except if the goal was to leave nothing for myself. And I think it was, the goal.
It’s hard for me to have perspective after writing this. It’s almost always, ‘shit, did that make any sense? Do I sound like one of those hippies who’ve smoked too much pot talking about sacred geometry? No connection to the ground?’ So if you have some thoughts I’d love to hear them.