This one has been cooking for awhile. I’d think about writing and wouldn’t, not sure I wanted to share what was going on inside me. Not sure I knew yet what it was and how I wanted to say it. I can tell you now where it has culminated. Here. Right now. Just look at me. But I need to to tell the rest of the story for it to make sense.
It all started by working with Jocelyn. She has become a mentor to me at this time (can you see how evolved and unattached I am by that statement?). I found her through Briana. Briana had a bunch of women, mostly clinicians or helpers, to her house. She briefly told me about Jocelyn, a friend of hers, “does readings”, no big deal. I said, “ummm, yes”. As you can imagine, the judging started before I got there. It was Briana who actually told me that when meeting her (and new people) I have a “guilty until proven innocent” kind of attitude. And then I meet Jocelyn and she’s a white girl about my age. Here eyes were wide and very watchful, somewhat penetrating. Once everyone arrived, we sat in the living room and Jocelyn started by explaining who she was and what we’d be doing. I, of course, was ready with my notebook, my questions written down, pen in hand. Some of the other women were timid. Doing that thing I see people do with an intuitive: testing if they’re real, holding back. ‘I won’t tell her anything and see if she can tell who I am’ kind of thing. I of course jump in, because I don’t fuck around. And I can tell when someone speaks truth. It was a strange experience for me. My mind was in revolt, here’s what it had to say, ‘who the fuck is this lady? Does she know more than me? Did she just say that? White girls can’t talk like this. Young white girls can’t talk like this. People on earth don’t talk like this. Is she some kind of flake?’. And my heart and body said this: “truth”. Then I started to realize, ‘this is what it can be like to meet someone who is standing in Source. This is what it looks like when the ego is stripped away. This is what we all have and desire to express but don’t’. And another crazy thought that is hard to release to all of you, ‘this is how we kill our prophets. We beg for the Divine to show itself. And then we dismiss, throw into mental institutions, or kill’. Its too much for the mind. But this is not a job for the mind. Where I am going is not to be led by my mind. This is for my heart and soul. And shit started getting exciting.
My lessons studies with Yogananda’s work was all coming together with this too. From the very beginning Yogananda starts to train you to harness your mind. Make it work for you. Instead of you for it. I’d heard this spoken in the world before, in seeming platitudes. But I was having access to it in a way that was so real. And Jocelyn introduces herself like that, “I’ve broken my body and I’ve broken my mind. I am in Source at all times”. That was one of the statements where my mind said, ‘you can’t fucking say that’. But then here comes the wisdom of my body and my heart responding with, ‘yes. This is real. You can feel it. You can tell when something is true’. So on that day, in Briana’s house, the distinction was more apparent than I had ever remembered. The dialogue inside looking like this:
Mind: You can’t just say that. Anyone that says that is always full of shit. To say that is arrogant. Just wait, you’ll see. She’s full of it. She’s gonna show her ass and we’ll catch her.
Heart/Body: Yep, there it is. That’s your mind. You see how it always doubts? That is always its position. It is always afraid, it will always sounds like that. What do we really think?
Higher Me: This is for real. That’s how I want to sound. That’s how I can sound. Isn’t that funny that her standing in her power is reverberating over to me and giving me permission and courage to do the very same thing.
I think it was the following Saturday I had a session with Jocelyn. And I was on fire. It lit something inside of me. I started telling my clients of my impending transition the following Monday and had my website re-written a week later. So much had become clear. I think most people would look at me and think, ‘she has no problem showing people who she is and speaking her truth clearly’. This is very true. And yet there is more. I realized and am continuing to realize that there is so much more of me to show the world, mainly in my work. (I’m fairly weird in my personal relationships. Rock person ;)) A small way, but was big for me, was to be even more direct with my clients. And I’m very direct! But I have my eye on a new format. And I could stand to speed it up! I wanted to speak truth in a way I saw Jocelyn do it. Something that could not be argued with or rather something that wasn’t opinion. Or a thoughtless remark, or a cowardly agreement. While still leaving room for disagreement or “not ready”. More to come on that.
About two weeks ago (?), I was on a long rage bender. I had finished The Divided Mind by Dr John Sarno. Whew. What a game changer. I didn’t think he could improve upon Healing Back Pain, boy did he ever. So I was really worked up with that, excited, angry, humbled. There were several chapters written by other doctors that work with Dr Sarno and have incorporated psychosomatic medicine in to their practice. This floored me. There was a rheumatologist, orthopedic surgeon, primary care physician, and they were all believers like I was. Out there doing noble work in their profession, which I thought was completely void of nobility and courage. By this I was truly humbled. And grateful to have a different perspective of western medicine. So rage was really on my mind because this is a focus of the recovery from psychosomatic illness/TMS. To acknowledge the conflict between the conscious and unconscious mind. Bring the repressed up to the surface, pay attention and maybe take some action. Sometimes the acknowledgement is enough. But my anger, my fury, was not abating. And the voice of it sounded like this: ‘I’m so mad at all of you. You have already failed me before I even tried. I have failed before I even tried. I am burdened with the task of saving humanity and it will never be done. Most of you will NEVER see’. I, intellectually, understood what this sounded like. And could hear many stupid voices that say, “Emily, you can’t save the world. That’s so narcissistic. That’s so codependent”. But that would mean they are missing the point. They wouldn’t understand that I have carried populations on my back. That I have fought for my people. That I’ve had experiences where many lives depended upon me. And I have copied that in this life, in a different way. With an unspoken agreement with myself, ‘I will never rest until we are all free’. It was at this time that I had another session with Jocelyn.
She said, after me telling her some of the above, “I don’t hear rage, I hear sadness. And that you feel all alone”. Boom. Nailed it. And this would be impossible to see with the naked eye. I don’t even let myself feel that sadness. When she said it I still couldn’t feel it but the Highest Part of Me knew it was the truth. And that I would eventually feel it. I had come into this world immediately feeling like no one got me. My family could never match my energy. Could not foster/steward the spirit I had inside me because it was beyond what they knew or were in contact with (funny story. this is basically all my clients.). And to top it all off I’ve probably come directly from some other planet and was super bummed that I showed up here. ‘You mean there’s violence? Women getting raped? I’m gonna get sexually abused? No one is safe? We can’t fly? There’s no magic? My Dad’s an alcoholic? I’m gonna do what? To who? Oh shit. This is gonna be a real bummer’. And instead of getting small (which I secretly did) I got righteous. I got angry. I said things like, “I don’t want to be in your stupid club anyways! You can’t be in MY club cause you’re too stupid!” or I would put a lot into showing people how much that didn’t hurt, whatever it was. And I’d meet people who identified as outsiders, sad, depressed, beaten down (Heather). And I didn’t get it. I was not in touch with this. My warrior was so so strong. It felt like that not until that day, how ever many days ago that was, I had not ever acknowledged to myself that I was sad to be the only one to see. Or the only one to think this way. Or say these things. Or see that thing. Or want more. And to remedy this, I set out on a, what’s that word? Crusade. I would refuse to be alone and I would convert anyone I could get, anyone who would listen. And I would make them see.
In that moment, when Jocelyn caught that, I stopped. I didn’t feel a wave of sadness, maybe a little registered, it just connected as truth. And asked myself, ‘what will it be like to let them all go?’. Well, it was instantly easier. And the thought was, ‘well, we made it’. Meaning, I had made it. We were here. And this was something to celebrate. WE HAD MADE IT. And there was no going off the path for us, no more being asleep. This we (meaning me and my selves) could control. What if I kept a steady gaze on that? So that’s where my focus has been, as much as I can. When I feel that familiar anger I stop and survey it and say to myself, ‘hey, we made it. That’s the first, most important thing’.