I think it was last summer or fall that I put out a prayer to the Universe. I had stopped my seated meditation out of protest and being fed up with myself. I could go back further… I started working the Debtors Anonymous program last April (2015). I could write just about this, but more on that later. As a result of this work, I started cleaning out my life. I thought I had already done this; I mean, what, 8 years of therapy, 6 or 7 in Al-Anon, 3-4 go-arounds on the Steps already…several rounds of amends. There had been so many purges of my life, yet there was more. And that just surprised me, scared me and also delighted me. Because each time I hit a ceiling when I think I couldn’t possibly go any higher and then I do hit a ceiling. I eventually think, ‘YEE-HAW!!’. I do say that sometimes. On a special occasion. To stay true to my roots. So, another ceiling and another opportunity for something better.
And I felt a spiritual crisis upon me. Kind of a crisis of faith. That what I was doing previously wasn’t going to work anymore but I had nothing to replace it with. How I was doing meditation wasn’t working and why I was doing meditation. Sometimes the motivation was to be able to tell people I do, indeed, have a daily practice. Or sometimes to trick myself. I’ve never liked prayer either. I had not been praying for many years because I didn’t like what was on offer. The type of praying I saw seemed so disempowering. It had never jived with me. I knew we were so much more powerful than these prayers suggested. But I was not above asking for help. And I did. In my way. “FUCKING SEND ME A SPIRITUAL GUIDE WHO WILL BE MY BEST FRIEND AND I CAN FEEL AND SEE AND IS REAL AND I CAN HEAR IN MY EAR, GODDAMNIT!” I do believe that when we call, They answer.
I’m not sure how or why but Jeff and I decided to watch Awake: The Life of Paramahansa Yogananda. And it was in this documentary of my Teacher’s life that I realized my prayer had been answered. He looked at me through the television, through the years, and I felt it inside my heart. It was in this experience that I thought, ‘OOOHHHHHHHH, this is what love is like. I had a similar experience listening to Pema Chodren on an audio. I realized that everything I had heard previously was from the mouths of hacks. And so it had always felt untrue, a lie. I could feel the incongruity of them, but at the time of hearing just assumed what they were saying was bullshit. No, they were just bullshit. Not really. Its just I’m acutely aware of lies within a person. When something isn’t being said or isn’t acknowledged. Which is just humanity; its me too. But its not until I came upon these masters, did I hear an embodiment of this. They had done the work, in this life and many before, to be able to embody Love and Peace and God.
I won’t attempt to summarize who he is and what he did, because that is be better said in his book, The Autobiography of a Yogi, or in the documentary. But I will continue to speak about what he means to me. Jeff and I started his home study lessons in November of 2015.