Flake

This one has been brewing for awhile. And I hesitate even now to write…

I’m afraid of being seen as a flake. I’m afraid of being misunderstood. I know that I’m easily excited. An excitable person. Easily passionate, enraged, anxious. I think its a mix of ‘what if they’re right?’ mixed with ‘they are NOT right’ and a little ‘there’s something wrong with how we raise people!’. The combination of insecurity, rage, indignation, and inspiration that makes up about 98% of my reactions to all things.

Jeff is a balance to this part of me. I think he has judged me for it. I’m sure I would have judged me too, if I were in his shoes. The things is, when I find something I love, or something that is changing me or my life, I feel a responsibility to share it with people. A BIG responsibility. And I want to share in my discovery. And I’m a professional helper so that gives me further motivation to believe that this is my lot in life. And I don’t just like things, typically. I LOVE things. When I have gotten everything I need from a service or a book or a movie or a person, I move on. I’m generally not afraid to move on. There are some things that have surprised me certain people or Al-Anon. I thought I’d be a ‘lifer’ in Al-Anon. And I didn’t know I had permission to move on from that. But I seem to always come around. I don’t ever stop seeking. Its just natural to me. From the outside it might look fickle, capricious, impulsive, fanciful, or whimsical. Yes, those are from the thesaurus. Yet, I know, from the inside, that I take great care in making my decisions. But I might go at a speed that is different from others. And when I’m done with someone, I’m ready to move on. And, yes, when I’ve decided on a course of action I want to have done it yesterday. I have been, many time, grateful for Jeff and his ability to slow down. Or slow me down. Because there is something to timing. And, yes, I see that something is not right with a decision-making system that believes that NOW is the right time for all things. I don’t think I’m innocent in this experience.

But I have experienced hurt inside myself at the prospect of being misunderstood in this way. A friend’s voice rings in my ear, “what’s it this time, Emily?”. Ouch. To be reduced to such nothingness, smallness. She said it as a joke, in alliance with me. But I do believe this reflects an opinion out there about people like me. And I’m mad about it! To follow your heart or your intuition is impulsive, uninformed, immature, flaky and not smart. As in, cognitively inferior. When, in fact, for anyone that has taken the time to burrow into themselves and find what their heart is calling for is no less than courageous. And who cares what choices I make?! And who am I yelling at?! I don’t know, really. I know that as we get closer and closer to our jumping off point, I will be facing this little bother inside me.

I was so reluctant to write anything that felt preachy. I didn’t want to write at anyone, or talk at anyone. But I think I’ve done that anyway. I’m sure there is a lesson in here for me. You know what? I invite it forward. Come find me and teach me the lesson.

UPDATE:

After just receiving a desperate text from my best-friend-til-we’re-dead, Heather, I realized I forgot to add a piece. “How do you know you won’t end up leaving me??!!” she asked. These are the type of texts we send to each other on a weekly basis. Which are not jokes. Even though it is funny as I write it now. This is how we safely test the waters with each other. Because we are each safe to ask these questions that are the questions you’re not supposed to ask to anybody.

This was to help further prove my point! There’s lots of things I don’t leave! There’s many things that I’ve kept around because they continue to challenge me and delight me and just be something I really, really like. For example: yoga (13 years), Jeff (3.5 years), Rolfing (6 years), organic! (8 years), meditation (5 years),  Heather (2011-til we’re dead, there did that do it, Heather?), psychotherapy/healing (8ish years).

 

~ Emily

3 thoughts on “Flake

  1. Theres a part of me that gets really busy out of scarcity of being “alive”… its interesting because people see me as “accomplished” and while this is a very real upside of being busy it is also something that is my greatest idolatry at times. Its also often a war of feeling desperate for a break and scared to death of one. Simultaneously.

    Liked by 1 person

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